Driving home from the airport, I feel so drained. I stare out the car window and see the moon's white shining face hidden behind thick grey clouds. The music drifts throughout the car, carrying soft notes with each wave of musical genius.

   I stare at my hands, folding and unfolding my fingers, my promise ring shining in the dim light of the car. Frustration getting the best of me, mixing with anger and sadness. I'm still mad at him and I don't think he's even taking me seriously anymore. Glaring out at the moonlit sky mixing with the different shades of red and orange city lights in the distance, thinking it's twilight until I see the moon shining brilliantly against the dark night's sky. It's beautiful. Especially as we cross a bridge beside a large body of water reflecting the image across my window. My heart wishes so deeply that I would be taken seriously for once. I don't want people to focus on my looks or the fact that I'm a lady, I want people to listen to me as a person. I'm tired of being pushed away and forgotten because I'm a victim of many crimes.

   I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I want people to listen! First, it's my parents, then it's the rest of my family. My friends who don't care about me anymore, the upperclassmen who see me as a "stupid freshman", or the teachers who don't see what I'm really capable of. I'm more experienced then anyone will ever know and they don't ask for my insight. I may be young, but I know more about most things than people they find "wise". I'm artistic, young, experienced, musical, and giving (if given the chance to give). But NO ONE wants what I have to give, no one coming to me for anything but venting.

   Why doesn't anyone want to know what I have to share? That's what matters most to me. I just want to be listened to and respected. That's why I miss Fabian so much. My kuya. . . He was always the one to listen to me, but after he moved and Dylvan died, I became resilient due to the lack of anyone wanting to listen to me, to talk to me. I have a few people willing to listen but it's not enough. . . But I thank God for those who stand by me no matter what. Bunny boo, Carol Dear, Tricia boo, Leah love, Stephanie Dear, and my dear Zachary.

   Sometimes, they get tired of listening to it, and I can understand that. . . It's just that. . . I've had more to say now more than ever. They have their own problems, but I don't think I can bare to see them struggle more if I were to tell them EVERYTHING going on in my head. I know they all have good intentions, but I don't want good. . . anything. . . I just want to speak for myself and be heard, then lay it all to rest and FINALLY move on.

   But that will never happen will it? Now a days, people only focus on themselves, their own desires, and their own problems. I've always been there for them whenever they wanted and needed to vent, but what do I do if I need that? I don't really know. . . Blog, talk to Bunny boo and Carol Dear. . . Zachary. . . but I don't know anymore. . .

   I just don't know. . .

   Resting my weary head against his shoulder, I close my eyes and hug him close. He's so warm. . . Tilting my head to the side so my lips are at his neck, trailing kisses along the skin there, his arms around me, my arms around him, I'm perfectly fine. He rests his cheek on the top of my head and kisses it just to annoy me. I hate it when people do that because it reminds me of how short I am. . . =( Five-foot-one. . . and finished growing. . . I just look at him and roll my eyes until he laughs. I make a "cute" noise and hide my face in his chest.

   *sigh. . . * And he says others things that annoy me enough to make me hit his chest or hide again. . . until he says he loves me. ^-^ We end up nose to nose after that until my friends' silly tricks and games get my attention. Yup. . . nearly four months and it still never gets old. AND (just to make me smile) he picks me up and makes me stand on top of the seat of our table so I can be the "tall one" for a little. ^-^ He's SO CUTE! And silly. . . =)

   Though everyone makes remarks about how we're opposites when it comes to looks. He's blonde, I have black hair. He has GORGEOUS blue eyes and I have dark chocolate brown eyes. He has light skin and I'm "a dark beauty" from the Philippines. Beauty, my ass. . . He's so sweet and silly and. . . a usual guy. ^-^ He's my guy. Not to mention, he's perfectly fine with the fact that I want four kids.

   Well. . . ttyl. . .

Love's All Around,

<3 Lovess <3

   For once, I want people to see me for who I am, instead of what I look like. Multiple times, people have come up to me and told me how pretty I am or commented on how big my ass is or how "damn hot" my body is. I hate it, and it's going to be my down fall one of these days.

   Like today. . .

   I planned on going to the mall with my sister, Carol Dear, and best friend, Amber "Bunny" Boo, but my other best friend, Stephanie, wanted me to go to Taco Bell with her. I didn't want her to go alone and my Leah Boo promised to walk me to the mall afterwards, but something happened.

   After school, I went with my boyfriend, Zachary, and Stephanie to Taco Bell and waited for his friends to come for him since he didn't hang out with them today. After two LONG hugs and about a thousand kisses, he went to the other booth with his friends. Leah went with one of her friends to walk around and Stephanie had the sudden urge to walk around.

   I left without saying goodbye to Zachary due to Stephaine's conversation and the fear of upsetting her. We ended up taking pictures and walking around campus until she had to go to swim practice. I dropped her off at the pool and walk to the mall alone, but on the phone with my sister. Leah came up to me once I was less than half way to the mall and still on the phone with my sister. Carol hung up and Leah left with her friend again. So I called Carol again cause I had no idea where to meet them. They told me to meet them at Target, but once I got there, they went to Wet Seal. SO I went after them. Half way there, I ran into a group of guys with my school's sport jersey of some sort. They were all looking at me and making loud comments on my body. I tried not to think about any of it until I realized I had gone the wrong way.

   I turned around and headed back until I ran into them again. This time half of them grabbed my cheast and the others went for my ass. Since my hands were full, I couldn't do much until several terrifying memories came back and instinct kicked in. I used my left hand to slap two guys in the ear, kicked one in the shin then the back of his knee, and kicked the other three in the. . . groin. . . and ran my ass off until I ran into Bunny Boo's over-protective dad (who stalks her whenever she's away from home).

   Sadly, about five or ten minutes later, I ended up running out of Wet Seal crying with Bunny Boo behind me. . .

   Zachary wonders why I don't like it when he or anyone else calls me beautiful?

   It still sends shivers down my back to know that they go to my school and several of them are in my sister's Art 2 class. =( I'm not sure if I'm ready to actually TALK about it, so I'll just blog. . . I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow and I really don't want to go brunch or lunch without Zachary. I feel selfish now. . . =(

   At least he's always there for me like Bunny Boo and Carol Dear. . .